One or two things about me

Sometimes It feels as though I have kind of failed in managing bi polar 2. 

But I am glad that I played in Lunar Dirt.  

Before LD became three of us, we were just two of us, Kurt and myself and we jammed every week and then Loulou joined and it felt like yes we are a band that will produce great music. 

One of the reason I said “ yes” to join the band was the rehearsal was during the day in between my teaching. In the past I have said no for joining bands and some other projects when it requires me going somewhere after teaching I just can not do it.      

This is not personal and I have learned that I am not capable of doing it regularly nor going out to see bands really late and negatively affect my sleeping time, and how I am the next day even though I do not touch any alcohol nor smoke any kind of stuff nor any what is called drugs.  I do not go near them.   It is way to scary for me when I can be quite naturally high with loud music, bright lights and seeing the crowds of people and hearing people talking.

All these things affect me so much. So much so it tires me it’s a huge deal and sometimes for the entire week I am tired and snappy. 

My body is a truely a special vessel. 

A vessel that tells me when it has had enough. 

A vessel that also can tolerate so much pain inside.  

Rashes , scratches all over my neck that I do not remember doing it (because I do it while I am sleeping), my digestive function gets  compromised and diarrhea…..

Diarrhea is caused from different things includes flu, food poisoning, medication, food tolerance etc. 

There are two major medications I had earlier in my life. 

Pain killers and medication for Bi polar 2.  

When I was about 15 years old, I struggled with migraines and it was so bad that I had to get my brain tested. Brain waves and CT scan etc. They said I have stress.  I was already studying music quite seriously. It was either going to be studying English or music for me. None of the other subjects were sounding good, it might have been the voice of teachers I had though,  but also part of me always thought with Music and English, perhaps I have a chance to get away from this country. I wanted to run away. 
One thing I was not able to tell anyone or even occur to talk about it was that I was sexually abused when I was very young. 6 years of age.  Ever since that day my life has been a real challenge.  

Flight and fight.    Every single day.

It makes me sad and angry that it affects my life still in so many ways and my psychiatrist suggested that traumatic experience has caused me to have Bi Polar 2 and hyper arousal, PTSD, gender unsureness etc.

 And that was about almost 10 years ago. I had never even heard of the word BiPolar 2 before and happened at the same time that I became a single parent in this “away from home country” . My current partner encourages me to consider a mental health diagnosis more like a sign that points you towards what may be helpful to recover and remain healthy than a label of who I am.  

When I see people on the street sleeping, I feel like I could have been one of them.  
Sometimes I feel I am damaged so much that everything can fall apart right in front of me and I must take care of myself. As Psychiatrist can be very expensive.

Funny thing is I am so used to hiding It all and people say they see me as a confident, powerful, great musician but its not very often I feel that way and it feels like I can be broken anytime.  

I am sorry if I do not remember your name. 

I am sorry I do not always have capacity to say hi and ask how you are.  

I am sorry if I have not called you long time.

My brain is chaos quite often. I have music notes moving/chord progression in my head whenever I hear music, trying to remember what I have to remember for my work, basic things like I need get this and that before I get home, I could get caught in thoughts very easily.

I feel as though I need more quietness in my life now and focus on my body that I had disconnected for such a long time and Yoga has been a great help for this. Being in Lunar Dirt gave me confidence for my musical ability also I am capable in many things aside from just being musician.

So here I am.

I am on my journey to be able to reconnect with myself and the wider community through Yoga.

Thanks for reading.